Coping with the givens of adulthood: a pandemic in my 20’s (Part IV)

Part 4: The silly thing about love (and laughing together)

To begin telling you this story, I have to start at the beginning. And while that sounds like the beginning of a riddle, it is really a matter of serendipitous accidents. It has (now) been a year since I arrived in Mumbai. And I have a very vivid memory of my first week here. Nervous, frantic, and excited, I remember walking the streets of Mumbai with slippers I quibbled over from Sarojini Nagar in Delhi. By the time I had found a small house, and a few other things to call mine, those were worn out. And this is a story of those other things, and four friends who could not be more different.

I had come to Mumbai to pursue a Master’s degree in Psychology. And as weeks passed, I found myself becoming more comfortable with the choices I had made. However, that is a story I want to save for another day. But while we’re discussing this, let me present to you, a lucid image of what it is like to be in the same class with me. I have been told that I have an expressive face. Therefore, I cannot convincingly mask affection or disapproval, excitement or despair. An exception to this rule is my capability to hide nervousness. I become exceedingly active when I am nervous. This may be mistaken for annoying enthusiasm. So it is possible that you will frequently find me asking questions, or answering them. And in this brittle state of mind, I have often interrupted professors with answers to questions that I have raised. As boastful as that may sound to others, to me it is mindless rambling: the disguised child of nerves gone rogue. And while trying to manage this very barter of words, I noticed Veha at the back of the class as she eloquently voiced her debate. Next to her, Royina sat in her pink blouse, scribbling in a pink notebook with pink ink. Next to Royina sat Tanya, swiftly taking down notes that were stamped by the other two. No sooner did we smile at each other, than Royina packed her pink territory with Veha and Tanya and shifted next to me.

Without a word of agreement or argument, we earmarked our seats on the same bench in class. Veha sat to my right and Royina next to her, followed by Tanya. Veha writes with her left hand and I, with my right. Therefore, predictably, the first few weeks of our friendship were spent amicably resolving an unintentional arm wrestle. Soon after, I started exploring their favourite revisits- Kala Ghoda, Colaba, Fort and Nariman Point- all while devouring a plate of pesto, or splitting plates stacked with pancakes. However, we then moved to McDonald’s with a packet of Monopoly cards. If you asked us why, we would tell you that we went there for the considerably cheaper peri-peri fries. But in our heart of hearts, we all knew that we frequented McDonald’s after discovering that we can endlessly refill our drinks, while playing Monopoly.

As we spent more time together, we discovered more than fragments of a beloved city. We stumbled upon Tanya’s uncanny tolerance for alcohol and a corresponding protective instinct, sometimes even without it. She would tuck us into cabs and track our locations till we reached home. But she would also prioritize grabbing my drink instead of my arm while I wriggled before falling down- in my minute long exhibit for forty strangers. On her third glass of wine, Veha would narrate the vociferousness of her love for us in ways that could put Austen to shame. But on a Monday morning, without necessary warning, she’d eye our Monopoly properties with a barefaced, infernal glare. During the short breaks in lectures, Royina would casually whip out a stippling brush from thin air and start blending her foundation. On other days, she would work out to a Hindi song blaring in her earphones.

For years, Social Psychologists have speculated that the science of friendship is determined by likeness. And likeness or dissimilarity can be judged by the amount of time one spends with the other. In this case, the more time we spent with each other, the more different we seemed. Our choices- from pastels to partners, desserts to dresses, hair to hobbies and sometimes even principles-did not align. Having said that, I (and other researchers) do believe that friendships are simpler than what we make them to be. They do not have to be guided by a calculated design or forethought. But even in their most cardinal stage, they do require intention, time and effort. So despite our distinct givens, we continued to sit in the same place in class. And we left someone’s seat vacant if they didn’t show up. I arrived in Mumbai with the ripe conclusion that I am a difficult person. And that barring a few people, it can be tiring to have an enduring relationship with me. Then imagine my surprise when discussing my plight with three people I had met a few months ago became one of my easiest choices.

There is no debating the fact that the mental and physical costs of a pandemic are unprecedented. As of today, India ranks fifth in the countries with the highest registered COVID-19 cases, and the numbers are still rising. In India alone, systemic and infrastructural inadequacies (other than the virus) have killed 750 migrant workers, essential workers and other resource personnel up till May (Source: The New Indian Express). And here, I have the privilege to sit under a roof, reflect, and convey my experiences. I say that with such profound conviction because I continue to realize the glaring disparities in access to essential needs. But I do not only mean tangible essentials like food, shelter, and clothing. I also mean the need to have human support, in whatever way we can find any. Therefore, objectively speaking, my grief does not hold a candle to those who have lost more than me. But any grief, however disenfranchised, is equally debilitating to the one who feels it. W and I underwent tremendous amounts of stress in spite of being together. And as adults, we realized that no one person can be held accountable for our entire emotional repertoire. So apart from relying on each other for a warm hug during an emotional breakdown, we relied on those who mattered to us. On some days, we would cook three ingredient meals or paint the back of old notebooks. On other days, we would sweat and swear in the helter-skelter of an untimely submission day. On still others, we would express horror at the pace at which things had escalated.

The four of us are unevenly spread on orderliness. However, no amount of planning or contemplation could have fully armed twenty something adults for a year like 2020. In 2020, time is paradoxical. We’ve created such a mythical, invincible legend of it that we seemed to have forgotten that it was humans that mechanized it in the first place. It is true that ‘time and tide waits for none’. But the pandemic proved to us that its passage means nothing if not programmed with old habits that are no longer ‘normal’. I had previously mentioned that we are wired to seek knowledge, however varied. In the same way, we also seek certainty in things that we do and covet. So the girls and I had concocted our own time table for each day. After spending our days exploring things we hadn’t had the time for before, we would unwind to a game of Ludo each night. And in those two hours, we would recoil to the time that was. In those two hours, Veha continued to eye our tokens unabashedly, crying “kill her!” to one of us when we played in teams. Royina continued to either win unequivocally or lose miserably. Tanya continued to slyly reach the end of the game as the rest of us aimlessly hunted the other one. And I continued to crack jokes inherited from my father at the dining table.

It appears that positive social support can increase resilience to stress. It doesn’t just impact our perception of stressors, but our attentiveness towards resources to deal with them. On a physiological level, it enhances our body’s neurochemical response to stress, lessening co-morbid psychosomatic symptoms. Simply put, our bodies can react to the psychological strain we experience in the form of aches, fevers, and other physiological fluctuations. And having a social support system that you find pleasant can keep them at bay. At the end of those two hours, our worlds were still in a state of turmoil, COVID-19 continued to be our dreadful reality, and our lives were far from ideal.

But in those two hours, we were four whimsical girls chasing Ludo tokens, and that was our prominent reality. Those two hours bundled with other sunny moments, during the storm that persists, pulled us from one shed to the next.

To be continued…