Love (and loss) in the times of corona
Dear reader, if you have patiently waddled through my blog for the past two months, you’ve known my idiosyncrasies. You’ve witnessed the cluelessness with which I perceive crossroads between logic and sentiment, stability and surprise, loyalty and letting go. I do not necessarily find any of these dilemmas mutually exclusive, or more pressing than the other. But for me, there is a greater question underlying action.
What makes us do things that we do, in the way that we do? Why do you kiss your pet to bed? Why are you, despite your rational self, gripped by fear when a loved one’s phone is unexpectedly switched off? If the virus was swept away with one magical flick and you could suddenly see your partner again, why would you instantly embrace them? Why are you affected, in the most oddly painful manner, when you come across a former partner by surprise? Why do you cry when you cannot contain your joy and wish to be laugh again when the hurt is debilitating?
I would like to believe that there is more to life than rightness, numbers, hormones, and practicality of action. I am sorry if this has come as a surprise but sometimes, in the loop of everything that can be controlled, there are gaps. And in these gaps, there are people, systems, and our stories. And maybe, at the end of the day we are torn between two squabbling heads who deeply care about each other- love and loss.
As human beings, we extensively respond to physical stimulation- a pat on the back, a kiss on the cheek, or the loose end of your mother’s saree/sador/phanek/athpourey to tail behind her. So, while we can debate between a phone call or a text message, it is difficult to willingly replace all forms of physical contact with only virtual connections. We’ve also been conditioned to understand distance as a detriment to relationships, and with valid reasons. We have all had, or at least heard of romantic relationships fizzling out with increased physical distance. Sometimes, we bitterly watched our partners losing interest- lesser time spent speaking on the phone, sparse text responses, decreased investment in conflict resolution and maybe the dreaded ‘forgot to call you in the entire day’. And sometimes, we bear the guilt or dissonance of being that partner. However, what happens when the distance between partners is both unprecedented and inadvertent? When you did not get the chance to prepare for separation because the choice was made for you. Much like piqued parents taking away phone privileges- except you cannot protest a pandemic.
In short, what does love (and loss) look like, in the times of corona?
R, a 22-year-old-woman from Mumbai addresses the elephant in the room, stating that she misses being physically around her partner, “Only after the lock-down did I realize that I really enjoyed our time together. I am a very physical person- I like showing affection with a pat the arm or by holding hands. So not being able to do that made me miss him even more.” Her partner, I, a 23-year-old also mentions that he would rather be physically available to her and does not find the pandemic agreeable in any manner. Having said that, preferring a loved one’s physical presence does not always result in detesting an unintended outcome. Garima from New Delhi describes how, in its own strange manner, the lock-down proved to be a meaningful experience for her. She added, “My partner and I would frequently meet each other before the lock-down…now we speak for an hour at the end of the day, because we are also motivated to achieve other equally important goals. And that makes that one hour much more meaningful!”
Jannis, 22, smilingly adds that strangely enough, she met her partner on a dating app after the lock-down was announced. “It’s so strange…because if the lock-down hadn’t been announced, and I hadn’t come back home, I wouldn’t have started seeing my partner- and this happens to be my first adult relationship! I just wish that we could be with each other.” Her partner Ankit on the other hand feels that she brings a sense of normalcy in his life, despite times being abnormal, “It doesn’t feel like a pandemic when she is with me.” It is interesting to note that even R and I started formally dating after the lock-down but had been seeing each other for over a year. R calls it “the driving force” behind the two taking the step. But there were also those who had been in a relationship from much before the pandemic. Anubhav and his partner have been dating each other for over a year, and while their work allowed them to meet frequently, he has made peace with her virtual presence. He calls her, in a most affectionate manner, “lightning in a bottle”. Shlagha, a 22-year-old student from Delhi, and her partner have also been dating for two and a half years. However, they spent a major part of the lock-down in the same residence.
Now here’s an interesting diversion- it’s one thing to be separated unwillingly during the lock-down, and another to have only your partner to give you socio-physical company.
In the two years of their relationship, Shlagha may have discovered every quirk and quaint in her partner. And though her partner and she were still fundamentally the same people, their reactions and responses could have been unfamiliar (even to themselves). And although she found that the year was rewarding for her, it affected her partner differently. While she had a productive time, he did not, and that led to conflicts, “this was a time in the relationship when I felt the need for some physical space to resolve things.”
Sometimes, the boundaries between partners in a romantic relationship may get blurred. It is easy to overlook two equally important personalities when their confluence creates a third unit: the relationship itself. Therefore, while my partner and I may harmoniously build a loving relationship despite our differences, the same may not hold true for contexts that were unexpected. This is for two reasons- one, our individual responses to stressors are subjective, and two, the characteristics of the relationship bidirectionally affects both of us.
Therefore, it is possible for an indefinite lock-down to have positive psychological effects on me but is equally possible for my partner to react in an opposite manner. It is also possible that the stage of the relationship affects this turbulence. K, from Lucknow, thinks that this was true for her relationship which ended during the pandemic. She had been seeing her partner from a month before the lock-down and ended up moving in with his family. She instantly got along with his family, but her partner was exceptionally distressed due to the lock-down, which led to more conflicts. “Suddenly we were all living together…I figured out some things which were acting against my best interests, and reflected on how to go about reforming”, says K.
In general, it is not unusual to find conflicts intensifying during such a time. The lock-down was neither announced nor lifted at one go in India. The virus was picking into crumbs of our hope- striking plates, turning off electricity, waiting for America to come to the world’s rescue; nothing seemed to magically chase corona away. Joshita from Assam believes that there are numerous ways to look at such a predicament. She feels that she is more emotionally receptive to her partner now. She attributes this growth to the complementary nature of their personalities, and their sexuality which allows intimacy that heterosexual relationships sometimes may not. Joshita adds, “There are pros and cons to this…the lock-down was unexpectedly extended and sometimes, when we miss each other a lot, we also argue a lot.” R and I, on the other hand, have a different take on the situation. Both explicitly acknowledge that staying apart is tough. And though they haven’t had major arguments, they openly communicate their feelings and thoughts whenever something does come up. The same is true for Mudita from Delhi, who cheekily adds that her partner and she are ‘talkers’ and would rather resolve issues as they come up.
Conflict resolution may take different forms depending on the efficiency with which emotions are expressed. And as ‘bokeh’ as the concept of ‘just talking’ sounds, it does seem to aid long-term reconciliation in all kinds and tiers of relationships. However, while it may be tempting to urgently heal the hurt and right the wronged, sometimes it really is ‘okay to not be okay’. It may be all right to walk away from a situation that you do not feel emotionally equipped to handle.
Garima believes that though she may be a ‘hothead’ at times, she consciously walks away from a volatile situation and deals with an issue once she gains more insight into the problem. The idea also comes from accepting that a romantic relationship, while being a major component of our lives is a part of our existence- it is not the whole deal. This is where the question of boundaries becomes important.
In a time when physical boundaries are a given, and unchangeable, what happens to psycho-emotional boundaries?
Of the twelve people who I interviewed, all but three mentioned that there cannot be a single way that inter-personal boundaries can be managed. Some compared the process to ‘waves’ in the sea- sometimes there is a need for distance and solitude, and sometimes there may be a need to wholeheartedly let your partner in. And in a time when we’re all trying the make the best of what we are given, couples may choose to maintain routines with each other (however unstructured or trivial). Some couples mentioned that they painted together, others watched movies on Netflix Party, sent a ‘good morning’ message every day without fail, and still others would be on a video call and do their own work. In a way, everyone was exploring means to stay with each other- in whatever unconventional, romantic way they knew best.
But at the end of the day, the all-important question remains- are you happy with the person you are in a relationship?
Here, my emphasis is not on finding the answer, but the process of arriving at the question. Whenever human beings are put in an uncertain, unlikely, or helpless situation, they try to cope by making meaning of the situation. Individuals who have lived through war, pandemics, life-altering events, and discrimination often find relief reflecting on their lives. This could be true for a divorce that you did not anticipate, death that one is never prepared for, or a war that destroyed everything you grew up loving. Anubhav, who is a cancer survivor, states that reflection and introspection helped him navigate through those difficult times, and they continue to help him even now. Jannis feels ‘lucky’ that she met someone who is perceptive to her needs. Others have reflected on meanings attached to relationships themselves- taking stock of people who matter, and communicating their affection to them, and separating themselves from relationships and situations that hamper their growth. K says that her reflections were majorly directed towards herself.
Even though her relationship ended, she maintains that she drew important lessons from it. She believes that she is deserving of love even when she erects boundaries that she is comfortable with.
However, because of the ample time to simply sit and ‘think’, sometimes unresolved issues may come up and some of these may be extremely triggering. One of the interviewees found herself suddenly recalling the death of her best friend from 10 years ago- something that she was substantially unaware of. It took her days to regain composure from this unsettling experience, after hours of trying piece together forgotten memories. At this stage, it would be wise to seek either professional support or even reach out to a trustworthy support system.
A month and a half ago, I was asked a question by a friend: is out of sight out of mind? To tell you the truth, I was tempted to say ‘yes, mostly’.
In grade 6, I had my best friend tell me that I was not worth the friendship, and that I probably wasn’t going to be of consequence in the future. As an 11-year-old, I was deeply hurt. And as years passed, I was motivated to prove her wrong, but with no clear outcome in mind. She soon moved to another school, and I grew into other social contexts which led me to the conclusion that middle-schoolers can be MEAN. It wasn’t until I chanced upon an old notebook with our initials that I realized that I did not remember how she looked like anymore; I had no clue. But I remember, with incredible clarity, the happiness she gave me and then took away. It also occurred to me that the goal to prove her wrong was secondary. I primarily wanted to feel worthy of the happiness I derived from the friendship. I haven’t met her for over ten years now, and in a way, she is out of mind. I do not remember her face, or her voice. But there will always be a part of me that will remember the friendship, and how it made me feel. This does not always have to be traumatic. A traumatic experience does not have to be resolved with the person who was responsible for it, but with how you choose to narrate the experience to yourself. In the same manner, a pleasant romantic relationship may just be a strong pillar to lean on without physical contact, or even frequent communication. Mudita, who is also a Disability Rights Activist, believes that one of the things that she adores in her partner is that he is not presumptuous. He does not automatically assume that she ‘needs his help’ or treats her like she is any different. In her own words, she is “the most Mudita that she can be” in front of him.
I think we overemphasize on the roles that romance and excitement play in relationships. While either are important, at the end of the day, almost all relationships boil down to fondness that comes from contentment and comfort. It is one thing to miss the jitters on date 1, but it is an equally gratifying experience to not have to be on your toes around him/her/them- like accepting an honest mistake or laughing at yourself. And no, this does not have to be very different ‘in the times of corona’. You can still not be around someone, miss them and yet remember them enough to love them. You can still not be in a relationship, miss it, and find yourself worthy of love. You can still be out of sight but not out of mind. And to conclude in the words of my interviewees- this is the only reality, she is here, and we got this.
