The Anatomy of Shame- why it doesn’t fix the broken
My cousin is a 22-year-old man. Compared to my other male cousins, he has a broader and taller frame. He is also the youngest in the family. A few months ago, he slid next to me on the dining table and whispered, “Can I ask you something?” I nodded. “Do you think I look old? Like…older than you, older than them?” he lowered his voice, pointing at my 30-something cousins. All but offended at his standard for oldness, I questioned him further, “Why do you ask?” Apparently, a vendor much older than him had addressed him as ‘dada,’ or ‘elder brother’ in Assamese. This seemingly trite incident had eaten into his grooming rituals. He had begun looking out for minor changes in body weight, hair fall, and teeth stains. In the past one month, he had purchased hair and beard wax, some fancy t-shirts, sneakers, and a new digital watch. For him, these items were part of young masculine fashion. I was both bemused and surprised at his reaction. So, I proceeded to ask, “Why does it matter that he thought you were older?” Sighing, he answered, “Laaz lage.” Laaz is an Assamese word that translates to ‘Lajja’ in Hindi. There is no direct or absolute translation for the word in English, but it is closely related to shame. My 22-year-old cousin, standing taller than the rest of us at 5 foot 11 and barely out of college, is ashamed of being perceived as an older man.
But why must shame become a topic for conversation? After all, it is an unexceptional and familiar emotion. But its peculiarity lays in this very ordinariness- the fact that it is so mundane that it is often misdiagnosed or unrecognized. Shame is experienced when we violate the social norms we believe in. It is painful, and corresponds to failure to achieve the ideal. It encompasses the entire state of a person. The focus of attention is directed inward and the person evaluates the self in a negative way. Shame, like most other strong and painful emotions, is often described with physical metaphors. It makes you feel ‘small,’ and you wish that the ‘earth would open up and consume you whole.’ In the year 2018, I appeared for a driving license test. I was comically underprepared, nervous, and unskilled. Sandwiched between over 100 candidates, I saw that I was the youngest and the only female candidate. Due to the large number of applicants on that particular day, the District Transport Officer had come for a stroll. The task was to park the car paralleling two rows of traffic cones without touching them. When my turn came, my left leg started trembling uncontrollably as I pressed the clutch to change gears. But when I released it, the car wouldn’t go forward. I looked at my father and driver standing outside, and frantically screamed, “The car won’t start!” With his right hand, my father signaled me to press the clutch again. For the next two minutes, I nervously yelled for help and he signaled quietly. Perturbed by the nuisance, the DTO walked towards my car and asked me to drive out of the line. At that very moment, I noticed that my gear had slipped into the neutral position, and stalled the car. Without looking at the DTO, I changed gears, assuring him that I would finish the task. But because I hadn’t noticed where he was standing, it moved dangerously close to his legs and quickly halted with a cacophonous screech before stopping. My driver took over immediately, and I walked out quietly. I could not look up at the crowd behind or around me, but I was certain that there was snickering and laughter. For the longest time, I would refuse to talk about it or take up driving again. I did not care to label the emotion, until I realized how painfully strong it had become. Like my cousin, I had evaluated myself negatively, and violated social norms. I wanted the memory to disappear and the earth to consume me whole.
Shame is universal. And everyone experiences it so frequently because it is often used as a tool to socialize young children into obedience. “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?” is a fairly common statement used by parents and adult figures to drive a point home. You scored below the class average, aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Your skirt rested a few inches above your knee, aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You argued with an elderly relative, aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You are divorcing your second spouse, aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Neither the statement nor the morality behind it is necessarily, originally at least, ours. We borrow these standards from people we love, and people we want affection from. And soon, we house them as our own. So, the next time we violate these ideals, we become messengers of shame.
The question now arises, if shame is universal, does it mean that it is healthy? The short answer is no. The rebuttal to that statement is, “well, then does that mean that one must not regret wrongdoing?” This rebuttal seems to make sense, unless you explore the anatomy of shame and compare it to guilt. We use guilt and shame synonymously, but in experience, they’re like two corners of the same sheet. Both may be evoked by incidents involving moral or social trespassing. For example, you were very rude to your partner. It is a social and moral trespass for you. This can evoke feelings of shame- “I’m a horrible spouse!” “This is why I don’t deserve anything good.” Or it can lead to guilt. “I shouldn’t have spoken to him/her/them so rudely.” “Oh, I should have been more understanding!” Even when you’re reading the text silently, you can feel the change in temperament. Guilt is more action-specific. And therefore, it is more externalized. It is easier to talk about guilt because it implies remorse surrounding behavior. And behavior is more transitory than your very sense of self. Interestingly, there is also maladaptive and adaptive guilt wherein the former refers to guilt that is focused on the past.
Even so, if the ultimate social benefit of shame is reparation and ‘fixing’ wrongdoing, it doesn’t have a good track record of achieving it. One study in 2017 found that feelings of ‘guilt’ led people to pay more attention to reparation words like ‘help,’ and ‘apologize.’ They even felt more positively about these stimuli, which made them more desirable. Zhang et al. (2017) also found that when people were encouraged to think about times when someone was more moral than them (for example, if someone had given up their bus seat for an elderly person when they had not), they felt guilty. This further encouraged them to act more ‘morally’ in the future.
Brené Brown, the author of Daring Greatly, writes, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists- it’s so easy to keep us quiet. Shame hates having words wrapped around it.” This is interesting, because in a 2016 study by Pivetti et al., the researchers found that people who felt shame were more likely to avoid eye contact than those who felt guilty. Shame is characterized by a strong desire to hide and escape. Hofseth et al. in 2015 studied shame in relation to ‘self-handicapping’ behavior. According to them, individuals who are prone to feel shame are more likely to avoid preparation for a performance, so that when they underperform, they can blame their lackluster effort. The idea is, if they had studied for a test, they would have done fine. This is also a mechanism of self-preservation. It is more painful (read: shameful) to perceive that even at our best, we may underperform, than not being at our best at all.
Women, most commonly, have shame scripts that are associated with appearance. There is a constant pressure of having curves in the ‘right places’ and being thin, young, and beautiful. But, women also have shame triggers with motherhood. Sometimes, symbols of beauty and desirability are associated with fertility. The expectation is that women will want to get married younger than not, and once married, they will be expected to bear children. The notion of fertility and procreation is intricately tied to ‘naturally being a woman.’ So much so, that when all other arguments fail, trans-women are excluded on grounds of (factually inaccurate) biological infertility.
Expecting mothers are shamed for maternity shoots, taking an epidural, having a home birth/hospital birth. Mothers are shamed for taking a promotion, not having a second child, having a second child too soon, getting divorced, remarrying, and for a single moment, of being anything but a mother. But in a deeper sense, women are expected to be ‘perfectionists.’ In studies about role-congruity, Eagly (2002) found that female leaders who conform to norms of femininity are considered more desirable. But physical attractiveness in women has been found to be negatively associated with perceived competence.
For men, shaming behaviors may manifest when men are not considered stereotypically masculine. This is often referred to as ‘toxic masculinity.’ Here, shame scripts are strongly directed against men who do not value strength, aggression, competitiveness, insensitivity or violence. Maleness and femaleness are considered radically distinct, and androgyny is negatively evaluated. And men who fail to conform to conventional norms of masculinity are shamed. Some research suggests that unlike popular belief, homophobia may not have so much to do with opinions on sexual orientation. It may be an interaction between hyper-masculinity and misogyny. Gay men are shamed for being ‘feminine’ and violating norms of masculinity. And that could explain why being an effeminate man is more negatively evaluated than being a masculine or androgynous woman. Young boys are socialized into conforming to gender roles- strength is valued by disregarding vulnerability. Crying is discouraged in favor of toughening up. Asking for help is discouraged in favor of tireless independence. Stoicism and aggression is preferred as opposed to fear and passivity.
Now that we know about shame, and its pain, what is it that we can do about it? Brown says that we can build ‘shame resilience.’ Shame resistance is not possible. As long as social relationships remain relevant and important, rejection will always be shameful. There are four elements to shame resilience:
- Recognition of shame and understanding its triggers: Shame is experienced in a physical and emotional way. Can we recognize the physical response to shame, feel our way through it, and reach the messages that have triggered it?
- Practicing critical awareness: Can we reality-check the messages and expectations that are feeding our shame? Are they close to reality? Are they attainable? Are they what you want to be, or what you think others need from you?
- Reaching out: Are we owning and sharing our story? Unless we share, we can’t experience and heal with empathy.
- Speaking shame: Are we talking about how we feel and asking for what we need when we feel shame?
Other practitioners suggest similar coping strategies. For instance, Crystal Raypole for Healthline suggests-
- Challenging and reframing negative internal messages: Cognitively, you will begin noticing how shame scripts show up. Let’s say that you are at a social gathering. You spot someone you find attractive, and wish to stir up a conversation. You walk up to them, introduce yourself and try to engage them in small talk. They respond with a wry smile, look away and start talking to someone else instead. This is an unpleasant situation. It can create, and understandably so, negative emotions. But if they evoke immediate thoughts such as, “I’m so ugly, no wonder they did not want to have a conversation with me,” then that’s an automatic shame script. This change is happening concurrently with physical discomfort. You are fidgeting, trying to hide or disappear into the crowd. These beliefs may come from many experiences. But they are not necessarily rooted in reality.
1. Acknowledge the thought: ‘I’m feeling unpleasant. I feel bad about this encounter.’
2. Explore where it comes from: ‘my parents/significant others have made unsolicited remarks on my physical appearance in the past.’
3. Consider evidence against it: ‘I just wanted to introduce myself. That doesn’t make me desperate or ugly.’
4. Consider other perspectives: ‘Perhaps, this person was having a bad night. Maybe they are not comfortable speaking with strangers. Maybe this is about them, and not me.’
- Treat yourself with kindness: Even when you have trespassed norms, it is not beyond redemption. Sometimes, we set higher standards for ourselves than we do for others. Someone else not doing well in their career could be attributed to systemic oppression, but we didn’t get the job because we were lazy. Reserve some kindness for yourself when you make mistakes. Try writing down positive characteristics in a journal or as an art therapy exercise. Mindful meditation can also increase awareness of shame-trigger beliefs and teach you to let these thoughts pass without emotional distress.
- Seek professional help: when shame becomes pervasive and chronic, it can become a toxic. Individuals who suffer from toxic shame may also show signs of depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, eating disorders, and substance use disorders. Many different kinds of therapy can help with shame triggers. For instance: cognitive behavior therapy targets negative automatic thoughts and related behaviors, whereas gestalt therapy may help with the psycho-physical and emotional experience of shame.
The bottom line is that shame is invisible, and sometimes misdiagnosed. It is painful, and likes hiding under the burden of unmet expectations. It trespasses intra and interpersonal boundaries, and guides action, thought, and emotion. Brown compares them to gremlins and says that when we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.
